Tuesday 21 December 2021

COVID this Christmas

 

 COVID this Christmas

 

Try to imagine a Christmas all alone

Tied to a laptop a tablet or a phone

That’s where I’ll be

Since they tested me

There’s no place I can go

With a double bar

On my PCR

And on my lateral flow

 

It’ll be COVID this Christmas

Life is on hold

It’ll be COVID this Christmas

Not flu or a cold

It’s not a cold

Oh no

I’m out of the fold

This Christmas

Thursday 16 December 2021

Glockenspiel

 

Glockenspiel

 

Shrouded mist of

Old grey matter

Mixed with untold

Ruthless clatter

Clambers up a

Wooded hill

Lights upon

A glockenspiel 

 

Dancing like a

Wounded whore

Beadles bless

The sick and poor

Hand viands to

Lords and ladies

Sell to beggars

New Mercedes

 

Spoilers spill

A drop or two

I can see it

Seeping through

Eyes and noses

Ears as well

Fractured faeces

Smears the bell

 

As the DJ

Plugs his decks

Lenin’s rubber duck

Reflects

Doormen cry

For mothers dear

Monty’s Python

Shifts a gear

 

Wanton dogs

Of war resume

Slide the leisure

Centre flume

Mast the ship

Peruse the book

Sleep till farmers

Beat the rook

 

Wednesday 15 December 2021

Empath

 

 

Empath

 

I know a mystic empath, self-proclaimed,

Who daily posts sickly memes on Facebook;

Fanciful narcissists are named and shamed,

For all bad decisions and paths mistook.

He further claims to commune with the dead,

For whom he’s perpetually grieving;

Relatives and friends, comfort him in bed;

Closer, now ghosts, than when they were breathing.

He doesn’t cling to fake friends anymore,

Ex-lovers no longer injure his pride;

He’s stronger these days than ever before,

His doubters, he ruthlessly casts aside,

For likeminded empaths, self-deluded,

Eager to please and to be included.

Thursday 9 December 2021

Come on over to my place

 

Come on over to my place

 

Jacob, Dom and Pritti,

I see you are Tory blue,

Everybody’s staying home

But that don’t apply to you

 

Come on over to my place

Hey Gove, we’re having a party

Sajid, Nadine, Kwasi, George, Ben

And Rishi, come on over tonight

 

Now you all know the address,

Where our do will be,

I spoke to the policeman standing outside,

He said, that’s alright by me

 

Come on over to my place,

Hey Liz, we’re having a party

Simon, Alok, Oliver, Grant,

And Brandon, come on over tonight

 

I know you’re tired of COVID,

Let’s have some cheese and wine,

As for the people I’ve been deceiving,

They’re no friends of mine

 

Oh David baby,

Come on over to my place,

Hey Nat, we’re having a party,

Anne-Marie, Kit, Nigel, Michelle

And Simon, come on over tonight

 

Blub blub blub

Come on over to my place,

All my Conservative party,

Will be swigging, munching and sniffing,

Allegra won’t you come over tonight

 

Blub blub blub

Come on over to my place,

We’re blue; we’re having a party,

We’ll be grinning, and next year be spinning,

All our voters are in lockdown tonight

 

Blub blub blub.


Sunday 5 December 2021

Irrelevance

 

Irrelevance

 

A failure artist limp-wristed

Decidedly bitter and twisted

Used oratory skills

To top all the bills

And countless admirers enlisted

Sunday 21 November 2021

Luck Of The Draw

 

Luck Of The Draw

 

Rittenhouse killed vigilante-style,

Went to a protest, shot a pair dead,

Made many a proud Republican smile.

 

They led him away, put him on trial,

Right-wingers snarled and bleeding hearts bled;

Rittenhouse killed vigilante-style.

 

Judge Schroeder smearing the victims of Kyle,

(They’re “Arsonists”, “Looters”; not “Victims”, he said),

Made many a proud Republican smile.

 

Both the deceased thus deemed to be vile;

Crocodile tears stood Kyle in good stead.

Rittenhouse killed vigilante-style.

 

The jury retired and after a while

Returned, and the verdict: “Not guilty”, thrice read,

Made many a proud Republican smile.

 

Schroder acquitted the juvenile;

Gave future young-guns a full steam ahead.

Rittenhouse killed vigilante-style;

Made many a proud Republican smile.

 

Thursday 11 November 2021

COP 26

 

COP 26

 

Politicians

Have their say

On climate change

Then fly away

In jet planes

Over land

And sea

And consensus

Seems to be

CO2

Will kill us all

Gas emissions

Need to fall

Solar heating’s

Best by far

I should drive

A battery car

Use more trains

Busses bikes

Give up flying

Go on hikes

Plastic is a big

NO NO

Vegan is

The way to go

Light bulbs

Either need

To be

CFL or LED

Only use recyclables

Don’t spray crops

With chemicals

 

World leaders

Lay down plans

Diplomatically

Shake hands

China and the USA

Put their

Differences away

Congo kids

In toxic mines

Work behind

The grand designs

Choke on fumes

At six years old

Slave away

For Cobalt sold

To mass-production

Factories

Where

Eco cars

And gadgetries

Made as

Cheaply as

Can be

Are shipped

And sold

To you and me

 

Glasgow

COP 26

Seemed to me

To be a fix

Solar heating’s

Well and good

The poor would

Buy it

If they could

Alas the price

Is way too high

They’d have

To work

Until they die

Nor will they

Afford the fare

They won’t have

The cash to spare

For busses trains

And as for cars

Unless you open

Mines on Mars

With robots

Mining cobalt there

And no kids

Working anywhere

And each and

Every billionaire

On planet Earth

Decides to share

In such a way

Folk everywhere

Can eat and drink

And breathe

Clean air

It surely is

As someone said

One more minute

Till we’re dead

Affluence

Is worthless now

Fat cats need

To take a bow

 

 

Saturday 16 October 2021

Bezos

 

Bezos
As William Shatner prepares to go
Presumably boldly, up into space,
The temperature drops the freezing winds blow
And the down and out get kicked in the face.
As Sir Philip Green sets sail on his yacht,
To somewhere exotic, out on the Med,
Retirement age workers look to the pot,
And find not enough to be warm and fed.
As the Queen gets near her ninety sixth year,
And seventy of those years on the throne,
Destitute people are living in fear
Of drowning in debt and dying alone.
As billionaires purchase tropical isles,
Guarded by gunships and barbed wire fences,
Uneaten fresh food is mounting in piles,
MPs dodge taxes and claim expenses.
As here in the UK the NHS,
For want of more staff, gets worse every day,
The US, it seems, is more of a mess;
No cancer treatment for those who can’t pay.
As I eat dinner, I see on TV,
A woman beaten in Afghanistan,
An asylum seeker, stranded at sea,
An African child with a year life-span.
As people say things could always be worse,
I'm pondering women, children and men,
Comparing my life to those in each verse;
Each line written in syllables of ten….
….Nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, ONE!
Bezos’s ship flew; five billion was spent:
A drop in the pond, when all’s said and done;
That paltry sum made not even a dent!
As Amazon workers shat in nappies
And pissed in bottles whilst up against time,
Bezos’s crew of four happy chappies,
Toasted the founder of Amazon Prime.
Or so I imagine; why would they not?
William Shatner seemed happy for sure,
Though it wasn’t space, not by a long shot,
No man of his age has gone there before.

 

 

Tuesday 12 October 2021

Erasing his hand

 

Erasing his hand

 

A friend of a friend, on Facebook posted:

“A man who hits women is not a real man;

Share if you agree”, the poster boasted,

And put me in mind of when his wife ran

Out through the front door, where I was waiting:

I stood in between them, shielding the blows,

Which ceased, as he stood there hesitating,

Though why he desisted, God only knows;

I being no match for him in a fight;

(We’d had our own battle sometime before),

However, they ceased, and after that night,

She turned him out, I saw him no more,

And now, he's on Facebook, making a stand,

Like a real man, never raising his hand.

Sunday 26 September 2021

Panic Buyers

 

Panic Buyers

 

Lack of foreign haulage

Coming to our shores

Leading to a shortage

In supermarket stores

Migrant workers exit

Crops are left to rot

Many blaming Brexit

As many saying not

 

On Facebook and Twitter

Keyboard warriors jeer

Typing comments bitter

Recalling project fear

Counterparts retweeting

Eagerly engage

Stubbornly repeating

An opposite front page

 

Blamers pointing fingers

Lefties refugees

National anthem singers

Liberal families

Followers of Farage

Racist residual

Queuing at the garage

Panic buying fuel

 

Meanwhile at the pigsty

The farmer ponders fate

After when the pigs die

Sell on? Incinerate?

Though butchery’s faltered

Nigh grinding to a halt

Pigs must still be slaughtered

By way of captive bolt

 

As ignorance is thirst

The parched and dying beg

Not knowing what comes first

The chicken or the egg

For they are helpless too

Dependent on such powers

With mills to drag them through

Like slaughtered boars and sows

 

Tuesday 31 August 2021

Thoughts on Pen Farthing

 

Thoughts on Pen Farthing

 

An ex-marine became a household name,

As the soldiers left, the cargo plane came,

And Pen Farthing, animal rescuer,

Was left with options, fewer and fewer.

 

As I understand, Pen Farthing was told,

His dogs and cats were allowed in the hold,

But his staff must stay in Afghanistan;

And so they were left with the Taliban.

 

Now there’s a commotion, media stirred,

Suggesting that cats and dogs are preferred

To human beings, when push comes to shove;

It’s animals more than people they love.

 

“They”, being those who crowdfunded the plane,

 And even Farthing, who fought to obtain

Permission to leave, but none could be had

For Afghan children, nor staff of Nowzad.

 

And speaking of the staff, I also read,

They lent a hand when he haplessly led

His charges to the hold, as Kabul fell

To a Taliban, and terrorist hell.

 

So, where are we now? It seems we’re still split:

Many deem Farthing a heroic Brit,

And equally, many take a dim view:

He should have taken his staff when he flew.

 

Personally, I’m on the side of Pen:

He TRIED to take all the women and men

And he TRIED again; what more could he do?

As US drones killed and ISIS bombs blew?

 

And in case I appear subjective here;

To reiterate: it seems pretty clear;

The Taliban, having the final say,

His staff and their families had to stay.

 

Now, as the last western soldier departs,

The pointing and the condemnation starts,

And the lies, leaders would have us believe

About all the goals they failed to achieve.

 

The Taliban, Biden, Johnson, et al,

Add them all up and it’s one epic fail

And if you get mad, as maybe you should,

Don’t blame Pen Farthing;

He did all he could.

 

 

Tuesday 17 August 2021

Resignation

 

Resignation

 

People falling from a plane

Exiting a world of pain

Turned my mind to those resigned

Leaving burning towers behind

Friday 30 July 2021

I Stand With the RNLI

 

I Stand With the RNLI

 

Bemoaning refugees, rescued at sea,

Farage disparaged the RNLI:

They’re all but a “Taxi” service, said he,

And GB News viewers took up the cry,

“FUCK OFF BACK TO FRANCE”, to migrants on shore,

And who would be a lifeboat volunteer?

Deemed to be aiding those breaking the law,

ALL LIVES MATTER, being not the case here,

Insults and cans were hurled, without shame,

At our fellow men, who fair nearly died,

Fleeing from terror, to more of the same,

Their human rights dashed, devoutly denied,

By the riotous, righteous, Farage brigade,

Fuelled by hatred and the statements, he made.

Wednesday 7 July 2021

Scars and Stripes

 

 

Scars and stripes

 

He figures himself a peaceable man,

Makes others happy whenever he can,

Goes out of his way, tries not to upset,

He’s friendly, agreeable, chatty and yet,

If you take a closer look at his face,

You’ll see faded scars all over the place;

I asked him one time, how they came to be;

Those cicatrices and he said to me:

The ones on his forehead and on his nose,

Came after somebody randomly chose

To pick up a bottle and viciously

Ram it in his features maliciously.

 

Being by his features compelled to stare,

I observed a deep indentation there,

Between the marks on his nose and forehead,

Of which the cause has already been said.

The indent came via a sovereign ring,

A big burly bouncer brandishing bling,

And five bully beefs, more bouncers indeed,

Assisting their friend in his hour of need.

My interviewee was pushed to the ground,

Subjected to kicks and punches face-bound,

His nose pulverised, was crushed like a grape,

Hence healing permanently out of shape.

 

Just underneath his bottom lip, I saw

A mark from when he was given what for;

Why what for was given he had no clue,

But a hole was made where a tooth went through.

He ran to his house, gave the wound a clean,

Unwrapped a plaster, applied Germolene,

Couldn’t recall an action or word

Of provocation to what had occurred;

His lip was split, with a hole underneath,

But he felt relief having lost no teeth,

Before he retired resigned to brute force

And ignorance, being par for the course.

 

In subsequent years, he was derided,

Fists and bottles with his face collided,

But wary of rhymes exceeding distance,

I’ll cut straight to the piece de resistance;

For so I considered the five inch scar

I saw on his neck, the largest by far.

I begged of his pardon, asking him how

And why, but he was fair talkative now

And he told me a tale of terror, pain,

A dice with death and a jugular vein;

A horror story, worthy of mention,

Hopefully bound to keep your attention.

 

He said he got it in the Falkland’s war;

A shell exploded as he came ashore

And then, he admitted, that was a lie,

It was a stray bullet, a gangster drive-by;

Oh no, sorry it was a terrorist,

In Syria: a female jihadist;

And then again, maybe, it could’ve been,

Something that happened when he was a teen;

A would be killer, never convicted.

But in truth, it was

A self-inflicted,

Drug-related, attempted suicide   

And the night it happened,

He nearly died.

 

As he related his horror story 

Of deep neck wounds and other things gory,

A random stranger, from out of nowhere,

Hovered by the table, pulled up a chair

And with an air of vexation and hate,

Said to him, your stories are bullshit mate

To which he replied, by turning his cheek,

Adopting a look decidedly meek.

Abruptly he left, said, goodbye my friend,

Thus bringing our interview to an end;

The stranger retreated back to the bar;

In short, the event was very bizarre.

 

He figures himself a peaceable man,

Makes others happy whenever he can,

Goes out of his way, tries not to upset,

He’s friendly, agreeable, chatty and yet…

 

…There’s something about him, I know not what,

That seems to ignite, more often than not,

Aggression and anger in certain types,

Resulting in injuries, scars and stripes

And dear audience, though in the end,

My interviewer is one of pretend,

The interviewee’s a truthful design;

The scars and stripes and beatings, are mine.


Sunday 20 June 2021

The Tempest

 

The Tempest

 

An artist, caught short in the park,

Accidently made his mark;

Ariel, upon that spoor,

Turned the canvas blank once more

Wednesday 9 June 2021

The England Team Knelt

 

The England Team Knelt
The England team knelt the angry crowd booed
Calling them snowflakes and other things rude
A Tory MP boycotted the game
His like-minded fellows threatened the same
Johnson’s response was a neutral retort
Lifelong supporters withdrew their support
Anonymous tweets with racist content
By hate driven ex-supporters were sent
ALL LIVES MATTER was posted on Twitter
And Facebook brimmed with statuses bitter
The England team knelt the angry crowd jeered
Nigel Farage on his channel appeared
Suggesting footballers taking the knee
Are clueless and way-less British than he
The FA and Southgate need to be taught
Loony left wingers have no place in sport
The woke agenda’s become overblown
Bananas at players are no longer thrown
The genuflecting has failed to impress
And Black Lives Matter is Marxist no less
The England Team knelt the angry crowd roared
Off the cuff comments were laughed off ignored
Like for example when Johnson compared
A veil to a letter box nobody cared
For after all it was only a joke
The Mail and Express declared war on woke
Marcus Rashford made visible the plight
Of vulnerable children spurned by the right
Man U were beaten by Arsenal and Spurs
And Marcus received despicable slurs
The England team knelt the angry crowd left
Feeling despondent forsaken bereft
Lamenting the loss of the good old days
When Edward Colston was lavished with praise
History they feel is being retold
The woke and the left are ever more bold
The BBC too is jointly to blame
A communist faction in all but name
The angry crowd left predictably turned
To parties extreme and bridges they burned

Saturday 5 June 2021

Fly Logic

Fly logic

 

A blue bottle, in my field of vision,

Buzz- collides against the sunlit window;

Exacerbating, with indecision,

It lands and takes off in a pointless show.

I watch, irritated; how I despise

Its incessant buzzing and restlessness;

Am I fly- logically seen through its eyes

Objectively, equally meaningless?

Its three sixty vision is scant defence

Against a copy of the Big Issue,

Rolled up in my hand, with which I commence

To dispatch, prior to wrapping with tissue,

Its battered body, leaking yellow puss;

Primed thus for binning, with minimal fuss.

  

 


Monday 24 May 2021

Weather Report

 

Weather report
On a Monday morn in May
Fluffy white clouds turned to grey
Zephyrs fairly pleasant warm
In a flash became a storm
High winds usurped the breeze
Buddings broke away from trees
Pregnant clouds diminished heat
Rain came falling in a sheet
Daylight ever darker dimmed
Potholes deep as craters brimmed
Roads flooded traffic slowed
Drains neglected overflowed
Nearby at a Tesco’s store
With a roof above its door
I stood waiting underneath
As the rain drenched Parsons Heath
Suddenly it went away
Thus came back a sunny day
For at least a brief respite
Clouds once more were fluffy white
And since everybody knows
How the British weather goes
Is there any need to dwell
On that short lived sunny spell?
The dread storm returned prevailed
My creative juices railed
Grasping at a last resort
I typed up this bland report
And before my muse was spent
The council I an email sent
Re the potholes everywhere
And the drains in disrepair

Monday 17 May 2021

Lebensraum

 

Lebensraum pronounced (Pronounced: “Lay behnz rowm”)
Imagine before your family died:
Sleep interrupted by noises outside;
You got out of bed, pulled back the blind,
Saw the bulldozers with soldiers behind,
And, half realising what they were for,
Hearing the pounding of fists on the door,
You quickly donned clothing, down the stairs ran;
Opened the door to a gun wielding man.
When of his reasons, aghast, you enquired,
He answered: your tenancy’s expired;
We’ve come to reclaim your property,
And you must vacate immediately.
They were still sleeping; your wife and young son;
As the dozer drives continued to run;
You motioned the gun wielding man to wait,
Urgently woke them, related their fate
And suddenly found yourselves in the street
Homeless, and desolate, in a heartbeat,
Making your way through a place under fire,
Surrounded by walls, topped with barbed wire;
You walked over rubble and shards all night,
With no provisions or shelter in sight,
Leading your loves, like Virgil through hell,
As bombs exploded and buildings fell.
Imagine the day your family died:
Residences burned, with people inside,
Dust covered toddlers, convulsed with thirst,
Powerlines ceased and water pipes burst.
Dazed, weary and desperate for food,
For hours in want of a morsel you queued,
There wasn’t much anybody could do;
So many parcels couldn’t get through,
You sheltered as bombers flew overhead;
And misguided missiles, mounted the dead,
And would have stayed put, if only you knew,
How swiftly fate would dehumanise you.
You saw not the FLASH, heard not the BANG,
Nor the dread ring, as the death knell rang;
It rendered you deaf, made you see double,
Buried your loved ones under the rubble,
And in the lull of that bombing campaign,
A rescue party recovered in vain,
The broken bodies, bloody and raw,
Of your wife and son, now with you no more.
Before very long, the bombers returned,
Baby bones broken, bloodied, and burned,
Were buried beneath the concrete, glass, wood,
Where hours before, a shanty-town stood.
Imagine now, having somehow survived,
You live in a place where power’s supplied
By those who stole your house and your land
And covet even the space where you stand.
Electricity’s four hours a day;
They took your citizens’ rights away,
Forced your economy to its knees
You’re little much more now than refugees;
There’s hardly any medicine at all,
Clean water isn’t available;
Your stomach’s near empty, your mouth is dry,
And the world, ignoring, turns a blind eye.
Soldiers and bulldozers coming once more;
In the face of a long contested law
Written by those who even this day,
Condemn and denounce, yet still look away.
Imagine before your family died:
You opened your palms kept anger inside;
Peacekeeping now feels like a mistake,
There’s only so much a human can take.
Now wielding a gun or knife in your fist,
Outsiders call you a terrorist,
Blind to your torment and deaf to your voice;
Lebensraum advocates, left you no choice.

Friday 14 May 2021

Deluded

 

 

Deluded

 

History is a malleable thing,

Fair often moulded beyond all recall;

Whether a beggar, queen, pauper or king,

The same rules apply for one and for all:

When writing an autobiography,

If one doesn’t wish to do oneself down,

The glory should outweigh the infamy,

The hero should overshadow the clown,

The journal should brim with sagaciousness;

Amazing quotations, worthy of stone,

Predestined for shareworthy statuses,

Via a tablet, laptop, or smartphone,

And I share these pearls of wisdom because,

The older I get, the better I was.


Monday 10 May 2021

Curry And The Wind

 

Curry and the wind

 

How many beers can a man sink down

Before he can no longer walk?

How many hot chillies can be consumed

With prawns, lamb, chicken or pork?

Yes, and how many leakages can be stopped

By plugging the source with a cork?

 

The answer my friend, is curry and the wind,

The answer is curry and the wind.

 

How many dumps must some people take

Until they need to no more?

How many hours before they’re pain-free,

Relieved and no longer sore?

Yes, and how many times can a liquid run

Before it ceases to pour?

 

The answer my friend, is curry and the wind

The answer is curry and the wind.

 

How many times can a drunk be banned

From restaurants and bars in his town?

How many pans can be pebble dashed

In shades, variations of brown?

Yes, and how many bed sheets will spouses change

Before they desert their old clown?

 

The answer my friend, is curry and the wind

The answer is curry and the wind.

 

Saturday 8 May 2021

Botox

 

Botox 

Cynthia with a syringe

Shot Botox into her minge

Then just for a lark

She streaked in the park

And gave an old todger a twinge

Friday 7 May 2021

A Girl Of Nineteen

 

A Girl Of Nineteen

 

In a French castle’s keep of yesteryear,

Rapists, guarding their prisoner, dwelt,

I fancy ghostly memories here;

Echoes of pain, both given and felt,

Where once a heretic, so deemed to be,

By pro-British triers, spent her last night;

Only an adolescent was she,

Dressed in male clothing, lest the guards might

With unbridled lust and demonic desire,

Commit outrages of sexual incline:

She, for those garments, was put to the fire

By bishops and earls with politick design.

As the flames touched, imagine her pain;

I’ll wager nobody perusing this can:

Posthumously, she was tried again,

Found innocent, and after a span

Of four centuries, they made her saint;

An irony striking me as obscene,

Pondering rulers who showed no restraint,

When burning alive a girl of nineteen.

Monday 26 April 2021

Birthday Surprise

 

Birthday surprise

 

“Darling, put this blindfold over your eyes,”

Said Cynthia to Cecil, her tired spouse,

For she had prepared a birthday surprise,

Upon his return from work to their house:

He was led to a room, then to a chair;

“Sit down here darling, keep the blindfold on,

Don’t take it off, and don’t go anywhere,”

So saying, she left, and while she was gone,

Cecil let rip with a very loud fart:

For many a second, he without cease,

With a leg raised and with bum cheeks apart,

Gave to his gasses abundant release,

And in the midst of their rancid smell,

Cynthia returned, said, “Take off your blindfold,”

Hence Cecil became embarrassed as hell,

Removing the blind, for low and behold,

Now crowding the room, as if from nowhere,

Were colleagues from work, family and friends,

Each chocking, gagging and gasping for air

Much like a diver suffering the bends,

Nobody sang, “Happy birthday to you”

And Cynthia took a very dim view.

Sunday 11 April 2021

Philip Fixed My WC

 

Philip fixed my WC

 

A lady I met, out walking one day,

Was eager to tell me an anecdote

Re Philip, who’d recently passed away,

But in truth, her tale was nothing of note:

Mine was much more than a royalist’s thrill;

To be brief: the toilet was blocked, and I,

Being lumbered with a limited skill,

When it comes to repairs and DIY,

Phoned up a plumber; thereafter appeared,

A man, well past the age of retirement,

Wearing a highlander’s kilt and I feared

He was lost, so I asked his requirement,

To which his reply proclaimed him to be

The plumber I’d called, though I’d never guess;

As before stated, so ancient was he;

His face rather like Prince Philip’s, no less!

And after he’d told me his name was “Phil,”

I would’ve died, if surprises could kill.

 

“Tell me the way to your WC,”

Said he, with an accent, fair upper class,

And as he went up, I offered him tea,

To which he replied; “No thank you, I’ll pass;

I can’t stand the stuff, though coffee I’ll take,”

And so for Phil, I a coffee prepared;

A couple of ticks it took me to make,

And as I was pouring it, he declared,

“I’ve cleared a blockage, not overly large;

It really was quite a minor repair,

And I feel inclined to waiver the charge;

A hot beverage seems perfectly fair”,

I offered him cash, but he insisted;

“I’ve plenty of money, much more than you,

Please don’t persist, my arm won’t be twisted”.

The coffee he drank, thus taken as due,

He bade me farewell, saying, “Mum’s the word,”

And left me perplexed at what had occurred.

 

“You’re pulling my leg sir,” the lady said;

“Philip would never have done such a thing,”

And as she became quite angrily red,

I told her of William, our future king,

Attentively waiting behind the wheel

Of a land rover, to take his man back,

And I must confess, it gave me a thrill

When Wills, as Phil, with an audible crack,

Hoisted himself in the car, said, “Hallo,

Bravo, Tally-ho, cheerio, goodbye”

And as he drove off, there was a great show

Of waving flags and a forces fly-by;

A rousing rendition of “God Save The Queen”

Drowned out the jets, and the neighbourhood sang

With patriotism, joyful and keen,

And I fancied, as my alarm bell rang:

If ever a dream turned out to be true,

The Windsors would make a great plumbing crew.

 

 


Sunday 4 April 2021

Herd Immunity

 

Herd Immunity

 

Spare a thought for the hapless wildebeest,

Who, after migrating for many miles,

Is fated to be a predator’s feast:

A live meal for dogs, lions or crocodiles,

And as he dies, in unspeakable pain,

The herd, in a massive majority,

Rushes on by to inhabit the plain,

Heedless of the tiny minority,

Being sacrificed, to keep it alive

In vast numbers, seemingly unaware,

That nature, allowing it to survive,

Deems a few casualties perfectly fair,

And people, these days, are labelled herd too;

Hence, spare a thought for the hapless Gnu.

Friday 5 March 2021

Legend

 

Legend

 

Telling tall tales of tearaway teams,

Top-boy antics and criminal schemes,

Painted over with poetic gloss,

Glamorising the villain he was,

Embellishing exaggerations,

Living up to great expectations,

Exchanging banter with hooded youths,

The legend signed his book of half-truths.

 

And from the book, a feature was shot,

Scripted and loosely based on the plot;

His role, by an Oscar winner played,

Ensured our boy was very well paid,

And with the royalties, he bought a yacht,

Much like the one Sir Philip Green’s got;

He and Sir Philip are friends it’s said;

As thick as thieves, out there on the Med.

 

If karma’s somewhere, having a look,

At things not said in the legend’s book:

Things that can ruin lives and cause hell,

Maybe he’ll end like Robert Maxwell,

But for now, karma’s yet to be seen,

Pensioners are being wiped out clean,

The sea’s two shades of turquoise and blue,

And an old villain’s writing book two.

Saturday 20 February 2021

Dog Snatcher

 

Dog Snatcher

 

If I saw a dog snatcher set on fire

And I was in reach of a water source

I’d be very tempted to leave the pyre

Allowing the flames to follow their course

Thursday 11 February 2021

Burst Pipe

 

Burst pipe

 

A burst pipe on a winter’s night

The mains tap was jammed up tight

I grabbed a can of WD

Sprayed it very liberally

Still the handle wouldn’t turn

Dialled a plumber in concern

Out on an emergency  

He said he’d get back to me

Phoned another one instead

Sorry sir the message said

All the staff are out on call

Nobody’s available

Leave your number and your name

Three hours later no one came

A burst pipe on a winter’s night

Enough to make your hair turn white

 

Water on the kitchen floor

Bailed out through the back door

Outside it was minus ten

Made me think of homeless men

A burst pipe on a winter’s night

Not a very pleasant sight

I was feeling sore depressed

Freezing cold and very stressed

Tried to turn the tap again

Fingers thumbs and wrists in pain

Then I with a hammer tapped

Nothing turned but something snapped

My wife very angrily

Screamed a loud profanity

A burst pipe on a winter’s night

A.K.A. a crock of shite

 

My endeavours came to naught

To cut a mundane story short

The water didn’t cease to pour

The Kitchen was a sea shore

The piped sprayed ceaselessly   

The plumber came eventually

Stopped the flow charged a mint

And according to the small print

On the insurance policy

The water lost was down to me 

Consequently all the spill

Was added to the monthly bill

And presently I’m wishing I

Was handier at DIY

A burst pipe on a winter’s night

It cost the earth to put it right

 

Saturday 6 February 2021

False Prophet

 

False prophet

 

Lauded lies electrify

Captivate the desperate eye

Flickering with fearful flame

Faraway from whence they came

Theories scribbled on the wall

Symbolised beyond recall

All the more to make them seem

Scriptures of an ancient scheme

 

Plastic shamans claiming truth

Full of ego stand aloof

Careful lest unmasked they be

Fallible like you and me

Presently behind the veil

Lucifer and Gabriel

Plan for better or for worse

From a far off universe 

 

Falsehood mixed with gospel curd

In the melting pot is stirred

Tiny morsels each will get

Hanging from the internet

Someone with a grand idea

Types in CAPS to make it clear

Morning afternoon and night

Trolling with inhuman spite

 

Thus he reads his dogma now

Amplified by people power

Unbelievable yet still

Handling his flock with skill

Promising the time is near

Meant for everybody here

Followers inside the keep

Labelling outsiders sheep

Friday 29 January 2021

Plastic

 

Plastic

 

To the beat one toe

Said the Brummie DJ

And deluded minders

Of a fictional show

Posed in the way

Of the Peaky Blinders

Wednesday 20 January 2021

Shanty Town

 

Shantytown

 

The poorest village in our land

Is Jaywick by the sea

And every year it’s in the band  

Of least prosperity

 

Hey ho the potholes grow

All the shacks need pulling down

But the bar is low

And there’s no cash-flow

In a seaside shantytown

 

There’s sewage in the kitchen sinks

And rats are everywhere

I wonder what the landlord thinks

Alas he’s never there

A profit he is making

With the minimum expense

Five hundred pounds a month he’s paid

For every shack he rents

 

Hey ho the cold winds blow

There’s no warmth to be found

Cos it’s too much dough

And they’ve got zero

In a seaside shanty town

 

By Daily Mail and Sun despised

Now filmed by Channel five

They’re demonised and stigmatised

And many say they skive

Anxiety and poverty

Regarded with disdain 

Their tragedy’s made comedy

And so they entertain

 

Hey ho the seas of whoa

You can watch the poor folk drown

In the undertow

On a TV show

While you’re warm and safe and sound

Hey ho the MPs crow

And the welfare workers frown

Not a one they know

Ever funds skid-row

In a seaside shanty town

Friday 15 January 2021

Brad Pitt

 

Brad Pitt

 

Nigel, one night, while lain in bed,

Patted Laure on the shoulder and said:

“Darling, I love you with all of my soul;

Please would you lower your flag on my pole?”

“Nigel” she said, I’m too tired tonight;

My sovereign banner’s folded up tight”,

So saying, she drifted off into sleep,

Leaving poor Nigel awake counting sheep,

And as she slumbered, content with a snore,

He tossed and turned, till his pole was no more.

 

This scene was replayed all week and the next,

The weeks became months and Nigel was vexed;

His petite amie had lost her desire;

What would it take to re-kindle the fire?

He picked up the Mail, smiled at the news,

(Filled as it was with pro-Brexit views),

Then noticed an ad that took him aback:

An item he needed, delivered fast-track.

Without hesitation, an order he made,

And he, being Nigel, was offered free-trade.

 

Two nights later, he said to his beau:

“Close your eyes darling, I’ve something to show”,

“What is it Nigel?” She asked in surprise,

For he had placed glasses over her eyes,

On opening which, she near had a fit;

Nigel was gone; in his place was Brad Pitt!

“Darling, don’t fear, it’s really just me;

Nigel’s still here, though it’s Brad Pitt you see,

The glasses you’re wearing are making it so,

Now unfurl your flag and watch my pole grow”.

 

Oh what a glorious time Laure had;

So much the better, now Nigel was Brad.

Her flag was hoisted to wondrous heights

And lowered again with equal delights.

Nigel lay back, most pleased with himself,

Fearing no more his place on the shelf,

As for the glasses; he’d donned his own pair,

Presently, Laure was no longer there,

And flying the Jack, on top of his stump,

Was lovely Ivanka, daughter of Trump.


Tuesday 12 January 2021

The Devil

 

The Devil 

In an indeterminate equation,

He is the x that forever will be

A source of half-truths, blame, accusation,

A herald of doubt and conspiracy.

His is the envy of emerald green,

The need to acquire material things,

The shadowy veil, obscuring obscene

Grand puppet masters who pull on heart-strings,

And rally with cries to a prideful cause,

Backed by theories malicious and vague;

Opponents besmirched to boundless applause;

The more so in times of turmoil and plague,

Denying which, tyrants fall on the meek,

And who but a saint would offer their cheek?

Monday 4 January 2021

Lost For Words

 

Lost for words

 

My Muse has gone, and my frustration

Is found wanting, in terms of expression.

And, looking at the state of the nation,

I can only convey the depression,

Sadness and angst I’m presently feeling,

In a rhyme (or rant) of limited scope;

As a poem, this isn’t appealing;

It conjures up anger; offers no hope.

When I see lies masquerading as truth

And liars being followed and revered;

When I see denial refuting proof

And free will into stupidity steered,

All I can do is look on in dismay

And silent despair, with nothing to say.