Saturday, 16 July 2016

The tragic demise of Roy Chubby Brown at the Circus of The Age of Nostalgia

The tragic demise of Roy Chubby Brown at The Circus of The Age of Nostalgia

Sitting on chairs of red white and blue, 
Enjoying a soundtrack of radio two,
The crowd at the circus is having a blast
The age of nostalgia’s upon them at last.

“Roll up everyone, let the show begin”,
Says a dandy man with a very large grin,
“Come on hurry up, there’s no time to lose
(By the way, d’you like my Union Jack shoes?)

“Are there any Muslims among us today?
Don’t worry it’s fine you’re welcome to stay,
As long you know, if not, please be aware,
That this is a British and Christian affair”.

“To the easily offended, I say ‘That’s tough!’
We’re in control now and we’ve had enough;
We’ve been tolerant and you’ve had your say
 If you don’t like what follows well, go away!”

(And indeed a few people do “Go away”
 Shaking their heads in quiet dismay,
Giving cause to the dandy man to shout)
“Please shut the door on your way out!”  

The laughter and cheers of all who’ve stayed
Goes quiet as the National anthem’s played;
Then the dandy man fires a starting gun
“Ladies and gentlemen, let’s have some fun!”

From behind the curtain a boy comes out,
He dances and skips and jumps about
In a smart red jacket and dickey bow tie;
And the dandy man says with a joyous cry;

“Look, Golly is here for the girls and boys
(After all he was one of our favourite toys);
That mop of curly hair and black smiley face
Has nothing to do with colour or race”.

As the crowd in approval shouts “Hooray!”
The dandy man says, “Let the kids run and play;
This is the way things were meant to be
A return to common sense, no more P.C.”

“Now ladies and gentlemen, if you will,
Please show appreciation for Benny Hill!
This marvellous tribute has been prepared  
For your entertainment, no expense spared”.

As the musical volume is turned up to max,
The crowd laughs with joy at the “Yakety Sax”,
And Hails the resurrection of a favourite clown
Played by none other than Roy Chubby Brown!

Then as if by magic there appears in the crowd,
Twenty page three girls, breasts standing proud.
With an amorous grin on his podgy face,
Roy jumps off the stage and starts to give chase.

To roars of laughter round tables he whirls,
Around and around chasing after the girls,
He’s frantically running as fast as he can,
But still he can’t catch them, the dirty old man.

But what’s happening now? His face has gone red!
He’s fallen down, and he’s bashed his head;
The music stops, and the laughter dies down,
Replaced with concern, for Roy Chubby Brown.

The dandy man, in a voice tinged with fear
Asks, “Are there any doctors or nurses here?”
(But the doctors and nurses have left long ago
Shaking their heads at the start of the show).

The voice of a Cockney through and through
Say’s,“I’ll sort it don’t worry, I know what to do”,
Then down from the stage, Jim Davidson, no less!
Appears on the scene to “Sort out this mess”.

“I’ve done a first aid course, it’ll be alright;
Nobody’s going to be dying here tonight”;
And then, without further ado he bends down,
And blows into the mouth of Roy Chubby Brown.

He comes up for air, and pumps Roy’s chest,
Tries desperately hard and does his best,
But eventually conceding, he hangs his head;
“I’m sorry everyone, but I think he’s dead”.

The dandy man’s looking genuinely fazed,
The crowd stares in horrified silence, amazed,
Then Nigel, (for that is the dandy man’s name)
Shakes his head saying,“What a frightful shame”.

“Ladies and gentleman don’t go, please stay,
Don’t let this spoil your Independence Day,
There’re still plenty of reasons to cheer,
After all people look, Jim Davidson’s here!”

“We’ve so many things for you to enjoy;
The Black and White Minstrels are in our employ,
Love thy neighbour, Till death us do part
Please don’t despair, this is only the start”.

And so it goes on, this show without end,
Where the dandy man (Nigel), is everyone’s friend,
And whilst not everyone likes him it’s true,
It’s hoped they’ll come round to his point of view.

“What about poor Roy?” some people ask;
“Somebody needs to be brought to task”.
The stewards carry his body away
And more annoyed people are heard to say:

“Those women who Roy was chasing around,
They should have known his heart wasn’t sound”,
“They were running too fast” comes another claim;
An angry man looking for someone to blame.

Then sure enough somebody mentions the word;
“Those girls were ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS I heard” 
So the word is planted, like a seed in the ground,
And like Chinese whispers, the word gets around……..

One year later……..

A crowd has gathered in Hyde Park today
To hear what the dandy man has to say;
Screens, showing his face to those at the back
Are placed either side of a giant Union Jack.

The dandy man looks so regal and proud
As he says to the multitudinous crowd;
“Ladies and gentlemen the honour is mine
To unveil this great statue to a man so fine,

A place in our hearts we shall always hold dear
For this man, an inspiration to all who are here,
Let every British city and village and town
Remember the greatness of ROY CHUBBY BROWN!”

The flag is pulled back, the statue revealed,
The crowd gasps as one, the legend is sealed
The inscription is read in a voice loud and clear
Broadcasted around Britain for all to hear:

“In honour of one of Great Britain’s sons,
In our hearts and minds now forever he runs,
Protecting our freedom, upholding our laws,
Chasing illegals away from our shores”.

(And some, in despondence and silent despair,  
Would beg to differ, but alas, do not dare
So, in imitation they pretend to be proud
And laugh, clap and cheer with the rest of the crowd).

“Ladies and gentlemen, well what can I say?
It’s an honour and a privilege to be here today,
I’m so glad you’re all here, I thank you so much
Enjoy the show people; I’ll soon be in touch”.

The dandy man then, with a bow turns away
To the cry of, “Happy Independence day!”
The circus carries on, re –living the past,
And the crowds very happy, they’re having a blast.


(And some silently wonder with concealed fear;
What will things be like, this time next year?”
As each, wearing a grin, disguising a frown,

Bows down to the statue of Roy Chubby Brown).

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