Monday 27 February 2023

Prostate not prostrate

 Prostate not prostrate

“Morning, Mrs King, how are you today?”
“I’ve got a pain down here”, my mum replied,
And pain killers won’t make it go away;
I need some anti-biotics prescribed”,
“Ah, well then, we’d better examine you;
Said the doctor; “Tell me, how does this feel?”
And she pressed on the spot alluded to,
Causing my mum to respond with a squeal:
“Ouch, please stop it, you’re hurting my prostrate!”
To which the doctor, suppressing a grin,
Responded; “Only men have a prostate,
Now breathe in, breathe out, and again; breath in”;
She then, on further examination,
Followed by a brief moment of reflection,
Viewed her patient's on-screen information,
And diagnosed a minor infection,
Easily treated, with penicillin,
Or, due to an allergic reaction,
Its equivalent: amoxicillin;
Plus Co-codamol, for pain distraction,
Which did the trick. And this true, anecdote,
Hopefully told in a manner most grand,
I’ll end with an inimitable quote,
Honouring my mum’s non-existent gland:
"All men, over fifty should get, my dear,
Their prostate (not prostrate) checked every year”

Friday 24 February 2023

Juice

Juice

A pomegranate is loaded with health;
Of which benefits, here follow in rhyme:
Its seeds (a k a arils) have a wealth
Of compounds, which “May” keep your heart in prime;
“May”, (as scientific tests have suggested),
Improve bone health, and potentially, “May”
(Though, to date, only mice have been tested),
Keep the symptoms of menopause at bay.
Athletic performance “May” improve too,
Upon consumption of extract or juice;
Muscles “May” recover as good as new;
Pomegranate’s properties “May” reduce
Cancer cells, and improve your memory
(Though again: that’s only been trialled on mice);
They “May” be anti-inflammatory;
But, come what may, they’re supposed to taste nice,
And my PSA count, being quite high,
I thought I may as well give one a try.
And so, to the supermarket I strolled;
First to Tesco, but alas they had none;
Indeed, it seemed much of their fruit was sold:
Tomatoes, cucumbers, lemons; not one!
All that was there was a sign telling me:
“Maximum of 3 Units per buyer”.
I wondered how this could possibly be;
Was there a problem with their supplier?
It was the same in Sainsbury’s, Lidl,
Morrisons, Aldi, even M&S,
But this is all a rambling riddle,
And I, not wanting to further digress,
Here finish this second verse with Waitrose,
Where, surrounded by mostly empty trays,
Were pomegranates, (but no tomatoes),
Priced over two pounds each, which, in these days
Of hyper-inflation, fails to surprise;
Even less now food rationing applies.
The next day, I painted the kitchen red,
Much to the irritation of my wife;
“There’s pomegranate everywhere”, she said;
In short; I’d earlier, with a sharp knife,
Cut the pricey pomegranate in two,
In the hope of finding arils galore,
Which, on first inspection, seemed very few,
But under the pith, there were many more,
Accessible, or so it appeared, only by
Gouging the pith with a knife and a spoon,
And further, pulling out the seeds with my
Hands, as seeds, each, a tiny balloon,
Filled with juice, exploded; hence, fingers, shirt,
And face, as well as the floor, and the walls,
Were juice-stained; some even managed to squirt
On the ceiling; giving my wife good cause
To yell at me, in exasperation,
As I cleaned up, in resigned frustration.
I've recently, on YouTube, discovered
How pomegranate seeds can be removed,
In ways that avoid you getting covered
In stains, and my skills have greatly improved,
But sadly, having since acquired a taste,
I find pomegranates too dear by far;
And, lest my new-found knowledge goes to waste,
I need to find where the cheaper ones are.
Meantime, I’ve been taking supplement pills:
Lycopene, turmeric, vitamin D;
I drink lots of green tea, in between meals,
Eat fresh fruit and veg, stay mostly fat-free;
I’m due another test in six weeks’ time,
And all above mentioned, allegedly,
“May” lesson my PSA level’s climb;
“May” bring it right down, eventually.
Meantime there’re always nice things to eat,
Like pomegranate: my once a month treat.

Saturday 18 February 2023

The Politics of Envy (part 2)

The Politics of Envy (part 2)
An immigrant mum moved into a flat
A Tory commuter angry at that
Tweeted a tweet conservative blue
Wrote to The Sun and The Mail HQ
Drove to the railway station uptight
And very nearly ran a red light
On hearing reports on radio two
Of doctors and nurses striking anew
He hurriedly parked in need of a pee
Saw pickets outside the station and he
Recalled that he’d forgotten about
The railway workers’ vote to walkout
Turning around exceedingly vexed
He had an exchange with his boss by text
And rather than lose a shifts’ worth of pay
He took a day out of his holiday
For being a blue collar absentee
In line with company policy
He doesn’t get paid till after day three
Whatever the reason happens to be
Back at his house he noted a van
Parked by a harried delivery man
Carrying boxes of groceries
To the new arrivals from overseas
Straight to his tablet on Twitter he went
And a whole days’ holiday thus he spent
Venting his anger at nurses on strike
Immigrant single-mums and their like
And while he was at it he had a snipe
At public sector woke left wing tripe
Benefit scrounging neighbourhood blights
Socialists calling for human rights
Accumulated wealth being shared
Services run with no expense spared
And higher taxes for billionaires
Living off privatized company shares
It’s the politics of envy he said
If kids are unhappy and underfed
Their parents should work more hours per week
Or find a job less prospectively bleak
The blue collar Tory is fifty five
And if he’s lucky to still be alive
In twelve years’ time a pension he’ll get
But a dozen years is a way off yet
His fellow employees not on the board
Can’t even at sixty seven afford
A nice retirement and here’s the twist
Company pensions no longer exist
Least not the same as back in the day
When workers retired on salary pay
And the old school board was more inclined
To profit-share with employees in mind
Yes he is very bitter indeed
But not at the crude supporters of greed
Glorified every day in the Mail
As poverty soars and services fail
The blue collar Tory lacking in sense
Stands by the Tories in rigid defence
Even as the myth of trickled down wealth
Benefits nobody such as himself
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Sunday 5 February 2023

Up The Gary

 Up The Gary

On viewing a VHS-DVD converted Video
Recorded over thirty years ago
The last song played on my wedding day
Was Leader of The Gang I’m sorry to say

Saturday 4 February 2023

Skinner

Skinner
I looked at Mayfield Memories,
The other day, hoping to see
Pictures of old assemblies,
Particularly ones of me,
Alongside forgotten, school-mates,
Not seen since leaving the school gates,
In nineteen seventy seven,
On concluding year eleven,
Back when it was called, the fifth year
Seniors; but that’s to digress;
The point is, school had, more or less,
Trained me for a dead end career,
And three months later aged sixteen,
It felt as if I’d never been.
Anyway, I looked, as I said,
At Mayfield Memories, and saw…
Photos of teachers, some long dead,
Flanking the class of ‘fifty four;
Future fathers of pupils who
Possibly ended up there too;
Players of cricket and football,
But not one name could I recall,
Till I clicked on the final page,
And there, two old photos appeared:
Of a teacher, seemingly revered,
By pupils of that bygone age;
“Mr Skinner was “Hard but fair”,
Twenty years before I was there.
His middle-aged face, in the more
Recent snapshot put me in mind
Of the time, when the classroom door
Burst open and he, in a blind
Rage, grabbed me by the collar and
Slapped me, with the palm of his hand,
Hard (but not fair) across the face,
And, like a sadistic head-case,
Authorised to act as he would;
Dragged me, as if I was a sack,
Outside, whereat, he smashed the back
Of my head, as hard as he could,
Against the wall, as he spat out
Questions and knocked me about,
All the while, calling me a thief;
And, when I justly protested,
He turned angry-red, in disbelief;
Blatantly disinterested.
To cut a lengthy story short:
A pair of shorts, expensively bought,
Were stolen for a joke or game,
And Skinner, on hearing my name,
Entered the forementioned classroom,
Disregarded my innocence,
Subjected me to violence,
And, later, that same afternoon,
He, from lost property, retrieved,
The pair of shorts, I hadn't thieved.
My Mayfield Memories feature,
Corporal punishment severe,
Dealt by a rod-wielding teacher,
Who bullied, battered, ruled through fear,
Dished out constant verbal abuse,
And taught fuck-all of any use.
But Skinner was one of many;
Tyrants being two-a-penny,
At Mayfield, in the ‘seventies,
And the old school of ‘fifty four,
Were maybe more, prone to ignore
The vindictive activities
Of those tyrants; even the ones
Who ridiculed and beat their sons.
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