Dog Snatcher

 

Dog Snatcher

 

If I saw a dog snatcher set on fire

And I was in reach of a water source

I’d be very tempted to leave the pyre

Allowing the flames to follow their course

Burst Pipe

 

Burst pipe

 

A burst pipe on a winter’s night

The mains tap was jammed up tight

I grabbed a can of WD

Sprayed it very liberally

Still the handle wouldn’t turn

Dialled a plumber in concern

Out on an emergency  

He said he’d get back to me

Phoned another one instead

Sorry sir the message said

All the staff are out on call

Nobody’s available

Leave your number and your name

Three hours later no one came

A burst pipe on a winter’s night

Enough to make your hair turn white

 

Water on the kitchen floor

Bailed out through the back door

Outside it was minus ten

Made me think of homeless men

A burst pipe on a winter’s night

Not a very pleasant sight

I was feeling sore depressed

Freezing cold and very stressed

Tried to turn the tap again

Fingers thumbs and wrists in pain

Then I with a hammer tapped

Nothing turned but something snapped

My wife very angrily

Screamed a loud profanity

A burst pipe on a winter’s night

A.K.A. a crock of shite

 

My endeavours came to naught

To cut a mundane story short

The water didn’t cease to pour

The Kitchen was a sea shore

The piped sprayed ceaselessly   

The plumber came eventually

Stopped the flow charged a mint

And according to the small print

On the insurance policy

The water lost was down to me 

Consequently all the spill

Was added to the monthly bill

And presently I’m wishing I

Was handier at DIY

A burst pipe on a winter’s night

It cost the earth to put it right

 

False Prophet

 

False prophet

 

Lauded lies electrify

Captivate the desperate eye

Flickering with fearful flame

Faraway from whence they came

Theories scribbled on the wall

Symbolised beyond recall

All the more to make them seem

Scriptures of an ancient scheme

 

Plastic shamans claiming truth

Full of ego stand aloof

Careful lest unmasked they be

Fallible like you and me

Presently behind the veil

Lucifer and Gabriel

Plan for better or for worse

From a far off universe 

 

Falsehood mixed with gospel curd

In the melting pot is stirred

Tiny morsels each will get

Hanging from the internet

Someone with a grand idea

Types in CAPS to make it clear

Morning afternoon and night

Trolling with inhuman spite

 

Thus he reads his dogma now

Amplified by people power

Unbelievable yet still

Handling his flock with skill

Promising the time is near

Meant for everybody here

Followers inside the keep

Labelling outsiders sheep