The Hardright Café
I went for a coffee, the other day,
In the newly opened, Hardright Café,
And ordered a large cappuccino, with
The surly waiter said, “Sorry, but we
Only use real milk in coffee or tea”;
And when I asked for a green tea instead,
He proffered the menu I hadn’t read,
Gave me a look undeniably black,
And told me to read it before he came back.
This I did, as a rowdy, live-rendition
Of Skrewdriver’s anthem, “Voice of Britain”,
Having been selected by the waiter,
Played on the jukebox; and five minutes later,
Upon his return, I repeated
My order for the seemingly deleted
Refreshment, to which he replied, “This venue
Only serves what’s shown on the menu”;
Further indicating there wouldn’t be
Any woke beverages such as green tea.
Hence, I resignedly ordered a coke,
Assuming of course that coke wasn’t woke;
And: “Is there anything vegan to eat?”
I shouted, over an ominous beat,
Accompanying, what sounded to me,
Like Enoch Powell’s supposed prophesy,
Droning through the speakers; and all
The clientele of the café (now full),
Were silently listening to that shit,
Like it was the first time they’d ever heard it;
And when it was over, the waiter bawled, “Out!
There’s plenty of rabbit food gaffs about,
We don’t want your sort in our establishment,
And, when the country’s under new management,
You won’t be welcome anywhere at all;
Now fuck off snowflake; you're making my skin crawl”;
And when I told him Hitler was veggie too,
He sniggered, “He was more socialist than you!”
Clearly, Hitler’s nationalist comparative,
Doesn’t suit the current hard-right narrative.
And, although it was never my intention
To cause an upset, I guess, on reflection,
The waiter’s annoyance, was arguably,
Down to my, “Give a Home to a Refugee”
Tee-shirt, which I was wearing at the time,
And which, whilst it doesn’t constitute a crime,
Was probably not the best thing to wear,
When entering, if only for a dare;
The local Hardright café, aka:
The membership club of Reform UK.
